Something inside melted as I sat alone on a Catalan beach.
It has been a difficult and somewhat of a task to make the decision of ending a good job a decision in life that I may live to regret and subsequently could bring many problems with the people that are most dearest to me. It is however a choice in life I have made and its my believe that the outcomes will one day be great, even if that may be after my death
There is a certain feeling inside that I know that its not just a choice but an inner feeling of a must. I get a overwhelming feeling for the need to create artwork a never ending itch that must be scratched but then comes the protocols of life and things a person must do to survive, of course I know that creatives can work and live a good life but the way I work and the subject matter that I involve myself in I do not think that way of an artist is good enough to live as a modern day man.
I have never seen what I do or create as a talent, I see it as a kind of curse or a type of illness, I have the need to paint and everytime I do so I give a small part of myself how much can one person give until there is nothing left? This is also adding to the pressure of mind in making the drastic choice to end a good job.
This brings up the never ending question that every artist must deal with, Do I paint what I want or do I paint what the masses want? many artist living and dead have been successful in both. My answer to this will be do I want and make the people want it, create a feeling on a canvas that speaks to the person viewing.
I have found myself in this situation before learning that keeping one regretful eye on the past and one wiser on the future may help for my success keeping later is the wiser. I say my success I think it’s the success of others needs, my success lies within being left alone to just paint I don’t care to much for selling my work but I know I will have to make a living from it, this points back to giving a part of myself to a canvas if I sell the work I sell a part of me.